I got a very nice email from a lady named Sondra, who wrote me about her step-daughter, Megan, who was fourteen at the time, came to live with her and her three year old daughter, Lily.
Hi, Veronica, I could not help but see the parallels between your situation, with your niece, Beth, and what I went through back in January of 2005 with my step-daughter, Megan. Megan was a bit different, in that she has a rare for of dwarfism. At fourteen years old, she was only three foot five inches tall, and only weighed forty six pounds.
Things started off on the wrong foot. After picking up Megan from the airport, we were pulled over by a policeman, for not having Megan in an appropriate carseat. I did my best to explain to the officer that she was not a child, and had a disability, but he kept ignoring me. Unfortunately, the delay from the traffic stop caused Megan to wet her pants. I begrudgingly accepted the citation, and proceeded on to the next rest stop, so Megan could clean up a bit. I went to the trunk, and grabbed her a fresh pair of panties and pajama pants from her suitcase, as well as the travel pack of baby wipes from Lily's diaper bag. I let her go into the bathroom and clean up. I put her wet clothes in a plastic bag, and stuck it in the diaper bag.
I decided to let Megan take a break, while I went and did some shopping. After seeing what Megan called clothes, I decided that her entirely black wardrobe was not appropriate for a child, and was set to replace it. I went to Walmart, to get her a carseat, as well as some new clothes. I noticed, from her panties that she wore size 3T/4T which is about the same size as Lily as well. I got everything that wasn't overly babyish. Before I left, and I bought a case of Pampers Cruisers for Lily.
I really was having trouble internally trying to figure out how to take care of Megan, since she was same size as Lily, my maternal instincts were to just treat her like another toddler, but at the same time, I had to remember that although she was pint sized, she was still a teenager, and that came with lots of emotional baggage. On the other hand, I own a daycare center in town, and I usually deal with potty accidents with a set of rules. I just wasn't sure if I should use the same rules I have for preschoolers to apply to my teenage step-daughter.
It didn't help that her first night with me, she wet the bed. Interestingly, i had just gotten an email from a parenting forum about bedwetting, so I filled out their form, with information about Megan. By the the next day, I already had a plethora of replies from other mothers who had similar situations. The majority of them suggested putting Megan back into diapers until she seemed ready to use the potty again. I just wasn't sure how she was going to react to wearing diapers, but after replying to all of the advice, I got one more email, this was from a woman named Meredith, who had her step-daughter move in when she was getting ready to start potty training her son. She waited for a morning when her step-daughter was dry, before asking for her help. They asked her if she would wear diapers with her little brother for a while, before potty training alongside him, to help him master the potty. This was one of the best ideas I had heard yet.
One night, I went in to Lilys nursery to check on her when she was crying. After I calmed her down, I checked to see if Megan was wet. She was still, dry, which gave me an idea. I grabbed one of Lily's Pampers and put it on Megan as she slept. I came back early, before Megan woke up, and checked on her again. Sure enough, her diaper was wet. I quickly changed her into her panties and pajama pants. I came back in to her room ten minutes later, to wake her up, praising her for staying dry. I told her to go and run to the potty and meet me in the kitchen.
When Megan came in, I sat her down and talked to her about Meredith's idea. I was planning on taking her and Lily to daycare today, for my first day back since Megan arrived. It would be easier on me and my if Megan would be just another toddler. I explained to her that because of her disability, Lily didn't really understand that she was also a big girl, and not a little girl like her. I explained that if Lily saw Megan using the potty like her, it may help her get trained faster. Then I dropped the bomb, I told her that Lily needs to see that she's the same as her, and that I know that she doesn't need diapers, but I asked if she would be willing to wear them, and be treated like Lily for a little bit before we started training them both. At first she was defensive, and wasn't sure about my idea. Feeling self-conscious, I told her to forget I asked. Right then, I watched as she grabbed her crotch and ran to the potty. I brought some clothes to the bathroom for her to wear to daycare. I was offering for her to soak in a nice warm bath, when she said that she agreed to help with Lily. I told her not to worry about it, and just relax. I went to go and get Lily changed and ready for the day. I grabbed another diaper and carried it to the bathroom, setting it on top of Megan's clothes. I kneeled down next to the tub and washed Megan. When she was clean, I drained the water, and lifted her to her feet to dry her off. I asked her one last time if she was sure she wanted to help. She said yes, and I grabbed the diaper from on top of the pile of clothes. I told her that she didn't have to use the diaper, and could still tell me if she had to use the potty. I laid her on a towel on the floor and slid the diaper under her bottom, pulled it up between her legs, and taped it closed. After getting the diaper on her, I dressed her, laying down like I do with Lily.
Once I had her standing there. There was really no way anyone would be able to tell that she was any older than four, at most. I had Megan play in the nursery as I gave Lily a bath. When I had Lily dressed and ready to go, I had the two girls sitting next to each other on the bed while I packed their diaper bag. It was hard to tell that Megan wasn't a toddler, she looked so cute, waddling after me as we went to go to daycare. I got both girls into their carseats and drove to daycare.
Once we were at daycare, I instructed Holly, my employee to treat Megan like any other toddler. I saw her check Megan's diaper a few times, and gave her sippy cups to drink from. Holly said that Megan even used the potty. I saw Holly put Megan down for a nap in one of the playpens. Megan told me she had to use the potty after nap time, but when it was her turn to go, I found that her diaper was wet. She seemed a bit upset, so i offered to put her into underpants for the afternoon. She agreed, and I put her in a pull-up. I offered to take her home for the afternoon, since it seemed like her first day at daycare was a little much for her. She agreed and we grabbed Lily and left.
I stopped at McDonalds, and got a booster seat for Megan, and highchair for Lily. I got them both happy meals. After that I took the girls to Walmart. I got everything I needed to potty train the girls: Pull-Ups, cloth training pants, two potty chairs, and potty training Elmo. Before we left, I asked Megan if she wanted to use the potty, but I saw that her Pull-up had leaked onto her pants. I took the girls to bathroom and got Megan onto the changing table. I cleaned her up and taped her in to a fresh Pamper. I took her back to the cart wearing just her t-shirt and diaper, sitting her in the seat. We checked out and went back to the car.
I put the girls in the playpen to watch Sesame Street while I unloaded the purchases. Not long after I was putting the girls' pull-ups away, I got a call from Holly saying that she needed me back at the daycare. I told her I would be over as soon as possible. I went over and checked the girls's diapers. Lily was wet, and Megan was dry. I took Lily to get changed, and came back with a set of overalls for Megan. These had snaps on the crotch for easier diaper changes. I got Megan dressed and we went back to daycare.
As I was getting ready for afternoon nap time, Megan came to me asking to use the potty. I told her that I couldn't take her right now, and to ask Holly, or our other employee, Lisa. I guess Lisa and Holly were both busy, because I saw Megan go back to the playroom. When it was time to get the little ones down for their afternoon naps, we went around checking and changing diapers. I saw Lisa go to Megan, and check her diaper. I saw her put a pacifier into Megan's mouth before carrying her over to the changing table. I asked her if everything was okay, and she said that it was, but Megan made a stinky and needed to be changed before her nap. I saw Megan hiding her face as Lisa unsnapped her overalls and get started changing her messy diaper. I took the boy I was changing to a nearby playpen to nap. I got busy with the other little ones, but saw Megan later, sucking on a bottle of formula in one of the cribs in the nap room.
We wore diapers full time for about two weeks before we started potty training again. It worked out pretty well, both Megan and Lily were pretty quick to use the potty, and were full trained in about a month.
Hope my story helps you with Beth!
-Sondra
Yes, that is quite eye opening. I really like how you didn't pressure into diapers. I think many parents could learn from your example!
-Veronica
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